Refreshing the Page...

I have always been happy for other people. I was not brought up ruining other people's moment. I've always treated people with respect regardless of age, social background and all that. 

Today, I've learned to be happy for this one person that made me happy for a while and then confused me and just made me sad and even hate myself at one point. 

I have long forgiven him though and even made an effort to give it another shot. Even at that point, I knew I was the only one really interested in giving it a shot. Why did I bother? I'd usually ask myself that. Maybe because I was always willing to give people a chance to redeem themselves. But to them, it was who they really are. So no matter how many chances I'd give them, things will remain the same. Because I was never enough reason to be at their best version. That's all there is to it.

Seeing him happy now made me understand better. That I was not the one who could give it to him. And even if I knew in my heart he couldn't do the same for me, I tried to make it work because he was there, we were there and it was maybe worth trying. If only he felt the same. I thought he did. But I couldn't get past certain things about him. And never found out the other things he can actually do. 

I am not trying to convince myself that I'm happy because I should. I am genuinely secure of how I feel now. I just needed to see that one last picture before I say my real goodbye.

Thank you. My list isn't as long as your exchanges with your significant other. How can it be?

If and when I see or hear from you again, I'd say thank you. It was never a waste of time. There was a reason. And we may never know, but maybe it had to happen. 

Good luck and hopefully some good plan from your end. Everyone deserves to be happy. 

The End of an Adventure...

I decided to give it one last try for reason unbeknownst to me. My friend was trying to ask me just that and I couldn't come up with one solid rationale. I'm guessing maybe I just wanted to spend time with him. I somehow knew it could be the last. And indeed, it may have been. 

He was the first name that popped in my head when I was trying to figure out who to take with me to THAT place. I felt it was an opportune moment to finally clear things up so I can move on. I've always felt that there was an unfinished biz somewhere. Or maybe I was just imagining it. Perhaps. 

No amount of enthusiasm upon confirmation. Few words were written and nothing in between. It was foreboding. But ever the hopeful, I let it slip and just went on with it. 

Anxiously, I drove. And finally, together. Cold. Still no enthusiasm. Just sarcasm. But am I not used to it? Yes, even if I've only spent a few times with him. That was what he was. Sarcastic. Usual small talk. It was pretty heavy. I have been trying my best to reach out. I realized I suck at being genuinely nice to people who are just about abrasive... Totally different from the person I met a few months ago. Maybe this is the real person I missed out on. It sure seemed like forever. The drive. Dry. I dunno if he was even interested in what was going on or he was just glad to be doing something else with his time. After all he has quite an exciting routine. 

I pause and remember what a friend said to not punish him for being him. So I just took it all in. I can be the bigger person here, as I have done so in the past. 

So it was brought up- subtly... about a new person. Inevitable I said in silence. But admittedly, my heart skipped a beat for a second or two. Then I just tried to picture it-- I can be judgmental. I can be shallow. And with that brief moment of being judgmental and shallow- I saw him. And of course, I didn't like him. Nothing about him makes it all worth the trouble. Superficial levels or otherwise. 

But he was there. With me. Spending time together. Might as well find something to be grateful about. Or make it an opportunity to have him realize what it means to be with someone like me-- whether it be good or bad.

And then what was apparent was his abrasive nature. I thank myself for being patient and kind even if I wanted to slap myself silly for subjecting myself in to this situation. Just ridiculous. 

I dunno what was going on in his head. I was concerned about what was going on with  mine. 

Sitting on the slide, holding on to a balloon,we were like kids. It's a nice scene but I felt sad. I said some things. Asked some silly things that kind of hurt but I had to say them. Didn't want them to rot inside. And I did. And I just teared up with my back towards him. I was trying to wipe my tears as fast as I could. I did this to myself. I owned it. It should feel better after that. 

It should feel better the next day. Indeed it did. More realizations. More cathartic moments. The sea provided a good back drop. Was that friendship? or has it been reduced to mere beads that you buy for 50 bucks? 

The abrasive nature rubbed off a bit on me. I was being sarcastic myself. Bordering on the rude and seemingly being mean. Exactly what he was and what he was denying. 

It was brought up again. The new person. It became clearer. Details revealed. And then I said my piece. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I wish I was told beforehand so I wouldn't have made so much of an effort to reach out anymore than I did. 

Was it such a waste of time, I reckon? It was said that I should know him and he's not serious. But somebody else is and that was exactly what made me feel disappointed. Not because I was pushing for something between us, but there were certain 'feels' that were felt. Not on my account. Not anymore. He thought it was funny to tease and call me a home wrecker. I took that one hard. But I know I'm a good person...so again, I just took it all in.

I am not going to make any more effort than I have for this whatever. I seriously wish him well. And I sincerely hope he finds what he intends to seek. I tried. And it just made me sad. I wouldn't be surprised if one day I shall be unfriended yet again. Because maybe, we were never even...no I don't think we were...

Closing Time...

I would like to think I made all the effort to reach out ...lunch was no good, dinner's for wimps...not interested in a night cap, ice cream nor 5 minutes...

It was heartbreaking. For the first time- I was close to begging. I am completely baffled. I seemed a lil crazy. Maybe that's why it was deemed getting ugly. 

It was a sad day. 

Never have I felt this way. I knew he was being nice and so the ultimate NO to my invitations never came in its simple form. It had to take another shape. It took a play of other words. But it still felt horrible. 

I dunno why even feel this way. Why would I feel bad? Is he now that important to me? Maybe... and I couldn't get myself to admit it to myself either. I keep thinking and justifying that it's just prolly ego...but I hurt. It really does. 

No matter how I've tried to condition myself with the fact that this is just temporary and he's leaving anyway, I still end up wanting to be together. Not necessarily a relationship-- a friendship could've been nice.  But now--- I'm left with nothing.

The moment he asked to stop messaging him before he figured a reason for us to meet, I knew it was a done deal. It was over. And even though I received a three worded message from  him today, the warmth was gone. It was so cold I got teary eyed. 

I need to understand that it has reached the saturation point. It's time...and as much as I don't want to say it's the end- it maybe is...

XO

It's one of those nights...those times when you find yourself thinking ...about the situation you're in...about the person you're missing. 

I know I shouldn't. It seems futile. I wanted to reach out. What's keeping me? 

It's kinna crazy. I'm watching soccer but it's like I'm watching a really sad movie. My team is not doing so bad but I am. 

I have work later. Double shifts. I had a long day earlier. More than a double shift it seemed. But I hate that I still have the energy to think. I thought that being busy today would keep my mind off things. Obviously I was wrong. 

I wanted to keep on driving earlier. But the body is tired even if the mind isn't. 

I shouldn't put so much into this. I know he hasn't. Well at least, I feel he doesn't. I guess that's what's eating me. Maybe I knew this was going to happen. I knew it was going to be temporary. But as much as I tried to prepare myself, I guess nothing can really cushion the pain. That too much drama? Well, it's not like I don't have feelings. 

The universe has reunited me with two assholes already. And then takes away someone I thought would be welcome reprieve. I was not expecting that he'd stay forever. But I really never thought that it would be this quick and would turn out this way.

My eyes are hurting really bad. But so does my heart. I'm so tired...

Seen Zoned

Chapters, phases... detours! 

I dunno what to make out of these things. The universe has this way of coming up with ways to make you smile and cry at the same time. Weird. I can hear someone say to me- 'You're weird!'...

Perhaps.

Wish I was given the chance to at least say thank you or tell the person how the littlest thing made me smile inside. But I guess not.

I told myself I'm going to slow down on the caring part. Fuck, I care too much, and I just hate it...It's become difficult. I wanna hit my head on the wall now. 

But funny how things work themselves out. It just gets confusing. And yes, I am just a wee bit impatient for things to unravel themselves. Maybe that's why I appreciate spoilers. 

I've got some what ifs here. But yeah, I need to back off now, I'm guessing. It gets really depressing and it doesn't help that I've got other issues to deal with, besides.

Obviously I'm not that adventurous. But there are certain things that are worth taking chances on. I envy people who can just do what they please...like make a decision at a drop of a hat. Because prolly, they've seen it all...nothing to lose or maybe just thinking that everything's to gain...

Wow, I've been dumping a lot of emotions lately, eh... Only because I thought I am up for this, but I'm actually having it pretty challenging. I needed to cope.

So what's next? I have no idea. Excuse me, I think I caught something in my eye...

It's a little too sunny in Phili...

Not one of them bright cheery Sundays one looks forward to every time. Mine started sucking. But at least there was a football match that made it a wee bit better. Otherwise, it would've just totally tanked!

I got driving as a therapy to most 'feel bad, feel sad' situations. Believe me, I'm no drama queen so I'd rather just literally drive my emotions away.  I don't really wanna be around people too. My mistake was I tried to connect to one and as expected, I felt even worse. I know this person was quite clueless as to what was done and what was happening. I will never blame this being for being himself.  

Anyway, after all the driving and trying to recount the steps from what I did last Saturday, I found myself in Chinatown for a bit then, drove again...around the bay area. Then around the valley...I was burning quite a few liters, not to mention my treads. I was just totally sad, I guess. I was actually screaming my heart out inside the car. Cray-zy...but it kinna helped me cope. Cuz I was just totally pissed and out of it. 

There was a bit of retrospecting that happened whilst sitting in the dark corner of that coffee shop in that hilly part of the metro. It wasn't good. I mean the idea of retrospecting was good, but what came out was just even more depressing if I may say so...

Here we go again with that cycle of being not good enough. It's a tough one to deal with. Why am I always faced with situations with people who would make me feel so inadequate, under qualified...and yeah, plain not good enough...bruh!

I am not hating. I just prolly need to slow down on the caring part...Certainly cannot expect everyone to be appreciative...

Dazed and Confused...

So if there's anything I learned from the more recent heartbreaks, well I have to accept that everything's temporary. And may never even be real... Yup. Such is life. I'm just trying to enjoy the ride. 

Doesn't really take much to make me happy. Little things make me smile. I appreciate the time people give me and I have no qualms in giving much of my time. Sometimes, too much of mine that I tend to not have so much for myself. But hey, my time spent with people I like to spend it with would always be the best. 

I am trying my best to not expect from people too much though. I give people too much credit. I think that's what I should work on. Nothing wrong with being the most understanding person in the planet, right? But little do you realize that in being the most understanding being means allowing people to just do what they please and for your part--not knowing that you're already getting disappointed and even worse, heartbroken. I think they should know if they're really clueless about it. But how? I am certainly not the type who would call out people for their callousness.  Again, maybe- my mistake here is that I am so polite that I'd find myself just being calm about it and just walking away. Well, sometimes, I don't even walk away when I should've. I just let it slide. And then, it eats me up later. 

I admit that I should've been more expressive of my disappointments. Especially to people who hardly know me. But I don't know them well enough either so I should just let go of this idea of them being a little sensitive and grateful for the time I spend on them. I am happy to oblige anyway.  My friends would think I waste my time too much on these things. Petty. Juvenile. 

However, I feel that life is too short to miss out on the possibilities. Spontaneity has its perks and when I come to think about it, most of my disappointments come from plans that didn't push through. 

Maybe I should just stop caring too much. 

Emotion Dumpster it is...

So I end up reading a new-found friend's blog and I realize how much of an emotional dumpster of a blog mine is...hahaha.

I could indulge one with my elaborate excuse for such but why would I even do that?

Lately, it's been a roller coaster of a ride yet again...But as I move along, I guess I am able to find other things to make me enjoy the ride. Or maybe take my mind off the other things that make me feel sad...

It's baffling sometimes though,as I admittedly still snap back to sulking about certain events and er, people...but thankfully, the universe has its way of making it up to me. Like meeting new people who are turning out to be great folks...even spending time with colleagues who I never thought in a million years would turn out to be really sensible and genuine beings.

The goal now is to get better... hopefully, I won't get sick anymore in trying to do so. My health issues always tend to get in the way. I dunno why but perhaps it's psychosomatic. Jeeze.

Oh well...more happy thoughts please!!!

The Fly By...

So the silence was broken. If only for a brief exchange of messages...everything just came rushing back. The emotions- sadness, longing, disappointment, missing... So many questions that I just didn't bother to ask. I thought I shouldn't ruin the moment. 

I lost him. I had the feeling. And it took awhile for me to finally accept it. More sadness, more disappointment, more missing..and yes, more longing. 

But ultimately, it's for the best. And as I struggled to compose a final message to question and apologize at the same time- I got my validation.  That it was indeed over and I could now try to pick up the pieces and charge everything to experience. 

They say experience is always the best teacher. But of course, it doesn't guarantee that it would be pain-free... When you come to think of it, yes- it's full of hurtful things. 

I sometimes have a feeling that he's reading this. Or someone close to him, had.  

And if I had a chance to speak to you and tell you something, it will be just to thank you. Life wouldn't be as interesting and as colorful if you didn't come to my life...it was beautiful- whatever I thought I had with you. 

My friend was right in saying that you'd leave a scar. That you'd hurt me emotionally and psychologically because you have a knack of hurting people and not care about it if it means saving yourself from trouble.

I forgive you...and I'm going to try my very best to forget you. 

Dealing with the Cards...

Another whirlwind week just flew by. Had an awesome weekend spent with fam and friends and some cars. 

Soccer boy left for his home country. Three dots was his usual inconsistent self while the other a-hole just pissed me off during the last phone convo we had. I have to say, this week was more enlightening for me more than ever. I am proud to add that yes, I'm well on my way to fully ridding myself of these completely-waste-of-time-blokes.

I am trying to think if I came off as that desperate to even spend time and effort with these people... My friends are always right and I am always giving so much benefit. Well, it has to end somehow... I am quite grateful though that it wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be when I decide to just give up and throw in the towels. 

My recent conversation with the a-hole got me irritated with his insinuations about three dots and why I am still keeping ties with him... Of course at some point, you will get pissed. Not because I was guilty but more so because he doesn't even know half the story.

Three dots also lost his appeal when he would ask me for a huge favor and end up changing his mind in the middle of it all and yes, I was caught in the middle of it all... Stupid!!! I hate being used. And it hurts even more that I actually allowed myself to get used. 

So that should be the end. 

Soccer boy is also inconsistent but I never expected much from him anyway. So it doesn't really matter.

A-hole still tops the list. I know he only reconnected because he needs my help. I may be helpful, but I'm not stupid. And I have been warned. 

And over the weekend, a friend read my tarot cards. If I get blinded by what I see, I may suffer the consequence of losing everything. I am afraid all of a sudden as this could be anything and anyone.

My responsibility is far greater than ever. I am the designated caretaker of the family's properties. And so I have to be a little more than cautious. Of people and their intentions. 

At the end of the day, people have vested interests that need to be met somehow. And maybe at other people's expense.

I may have the power to change my cards. I am my own captain, but I cannot change the character of the people that lurk around me. So I suppose that's enough reason for me to let go of these freaks.  

The cards may have something else to say next...

Happy Birthday to me...

It's my birth month! I officially turn a year older 10 days into the new year. Still not fully recovered from the holidays, I am forced into more celebrating and yep, pretty much to some more spending.

As always though, I never really make such a big fuss about it. Nothing grandiose. Just a simple lunch then a simple dinner and a meet up. Whoa? A meet up? Suffice to say, it was pretty low key but nonetheless wonderful. Much like who I am. Hehehe...

My friends from Honda Cars lent me a birthday ride with the CRV Cruiser Edition. Which of course would prompt a road trip for the

weekend. 

And so Tagaytay it was. I can't believe how many times I've been there, but it's like a gift that keeps on giving. Got the chance to eat at Gourmet Farms' The Dining Room which was actually pretty good. I also got to go to the Pink Sisters Chapel which I never been to even after the many times I've been in the area. 

The most fun about the trip was I got to be with my closest friends. Friends who I had been keeping for a couple of decades now. I'm very grateful.

The night before the road trip, I met a friend. I was getting frustrated at first for being made to wait and spend the last couple of hours of my birthday waiting in the car and driving in circles. But in the end, it turned out well. And we've been pseudo friends since then..."Pseudo" shall be explained later...LOL.

Anyway, I got flooded with so many greets. And one particular text that I was hoping not to get, got through. It didn't make such an impact though, which was surprising. Although there was a lot of missing involved in that.

Sometimes I wish it never got through if only to feel that empty yet again. I'd be weird to say I wish it never got through so that I would feel more important that way-- more afterthought was given to not doing something as opposed to something perfunctory.

Post scripting all things birthday-- I got a call a couple of days after.  This person waited for my reply apparently. For my acknowledgment. Which I honestly and deliberately delayed because I was thinking of something witty to say or at least something with more 'afterthought' ... I know, I'm weird like that.

The other person which I had no high hopes for completely skipped any greetings which I later found out didn't really know when it was. Well understandably, this person never bothered to ask and most prolly wasn't paying attention to what we and everybody else have been saying about my birthday. Exactly two weeks after, this person greets me and asks for a treat. Pfffft...

All in all, 2014 with all the crazy twists and turns turned out to be a pretty good one for me and pretty much empowering. This year looks pretty promising although, I had a slow start and I'm still stretching my legs.  

Anyway, I have so much things to do. So many things left to accomplish. Here's to more of the good things--all the best I say... thinking about it, I'm so stoked...Finally!

Post Christmas Post

Definitely a different Christmas this year...I dunno if I feel so much better...at peace or what not. But I would say, different. Maybe because there were new additions to my life.  New players present and key people, juxtaposed. 

I am so grateful though. At least, this year was a clear indication that there's growth and that it's dynamic and not stagnant. However, this year has taken my heart to the rough and tumbles more than I ever imagined it would. 

I am not complaining. It makes one feel alive, doesn't it? I suppose it just gets confusing when these new players do things that you can't quite comprehend. 

Emotions aside, I guess I'm doing well. I am able to do things I said I would. I have been able to push myself and do certain things that used to scare me. 

I have prolly matured thrice and caught up in the lost years...and this should be good. 

To the people involved, I hope you will find it in your heart to stay true to the people you have in your respective lives. I don't think I shall be wearing the sign 'gullible' anymore. I am just so done...End of chapter...or chapters. Hahaha...

Next Christmas? Love actually.

Wrapped Heart...

I say it's never easy. But I am grateful for the little victories I make each time I am able to stop myself from reaching out to you...

Today, I've thought about you about a gazillion times. But no amount of missing will push me to reconnect and bring back what was lost but was never mine to begin with.

I often wonder if I ever did matter to you. Or I appeal more to the curiosity and nothing more. Whenever I think of that possibility, I get sad. But it's got to hurt at some point. I just wish it wasn't this painful.

I'm giving up. There's nothing to hold on to. I wish you well wherever you are. I am sorry but I can't wait for you to make up your mind, if you haven't yet. If ever you did, then I know that you didn't choose me, or our possibility. But don't worry about me- I am so used to this. Anyway, I don't expect you to worry about me anymore. I have fully accepted that part. It just hurts too much sometimes. But I know I'll survive. 

There was never a day I didn't miss you. But I am doing this because your happiness is much more important than mine. 

I wrapped a gift that will forever remain untouched and unopened... It's not something you may need...it's never what you wanted. 

A Done Deal...

I had an awesome weekend. It went well even without the people I hoped to have spent it with. 

New experiences with people I barely knew still went great. I realized that I should always give new situations like those a try. I had a nice time. I am grateful I went. I am grateful I had the chance.

I should commence with the distancing part yet again. I should finally accept the fact that this person will always be unreliable. I knew that...and yet a part of me always gives this person the benefit of the doubt, when this person has time and again proven unworthy of my time and effort. 

The minute this person notices how far I am already, the more that this person will create situations to make sure I get reeled back in. 

What have I done? What gives? All I know that I once decided to trust this person. And then I ended up being on the losing end. 

I have to let go now. Before it's too late. I keep telling myself that. It's so difficult.

The chapter needs an ending soon. I just dunno how to...but I know I have to.

Maps...

I hear your voice in my sleep at night
Hard to resist temptation
'Cause something strange has come over me
And now I can’t get over you
No, I just can’t get over you*


I honestly cannot stay away from you. Hard as I try, there's just no way I can just leave it all behind. I know I should. It gets really difficult at times.

But thank you for the time you are able to spare for me. Every bit of it means the world to me. Kind of makes up for the tears I have shed for you. And despite all the hurtful things, I am grateful- always remember that.

Getting lost with you that time, looking for a place, felt more like what has been happening inside my heart. Cheesy introspection, yes- but it's my truth. 

So I’m following the map that leads to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you*


And although I acknowledge the fact that it just isn't possible to be around you for long- that I am only spared a few moments like that- thank you just the same.

One day, I will wake up and not have what I am having right now towards you. I will look back to this day and you can expect a smile. I don't want any more tear. 

I am slowly letting go. It's a process that one must go through. I wish it was easier. But I can only wish.


-----------
*Lines from Maps by Maroon 5

Making it Matter...

Finally reached out to me. I still sense the indifference. I should be the one being THAT towards him, but I couldn't. I break down all over again. And I said I miss the person I knew before all this. 

It's a roller coaster of emotions I should say. And it's not at all fun. I am embattled. I am torn apart. It's true what my friend said about him scarring me eventually, for life. And as much as I have been wanting to stay away from that, the more I get drawn in and become more hurt. He's got the power. Why did I ever give him the power in the first place?

He ought to be happy with what he has...Why can't he be thankful for what he has? Why does he say that he's getting tired of doing the same things for his relationship when he ought to be doing just that? I am so hurt that's why I distanced myself. And yet he comes closer...reels me back in. And I am torn all over again...

Happy Selfish Day to you...

I made a conscious effort to restrain myself from saying anything to you on your day. I thought you wouldn't even give a flying fuck about it. Instead, I get a message from you. As if blaming me for being a bad person for not giving a flying fuck about your day. I should get mad at you. For making me feel so bad. What the hell do you want?  Never did I assume that I mean anything to you. Especially after all those lies. Do you honestly think those untruths meant nothing to me? 

You said I'm the last person you think would ever forget to greet you...WHY THE HELL IS THAT? I'm trying to wrap my head around that statement. And you sounded pretty dead serious about it when I called you. I thought you were just pulling my leg. But I did feel your disappointment. And now, you make me feel doubly bad about it. Once again, you have managed to reel me back in. 

You know how I feel about you, Mr. Selfish. With or without the message or call, it remains the same. I just know where I should be...

Cruel Intentions...not!

I am firm to say that I am a level headed person. If in case there would be lapses in judgments, a bunch of my friends would be happy to remind me to revert back to who I really am. 

Admittedly, there were several decisions that were too hasty to be later realized as selfish and messed up. However, undoing such wouldn't make for a good lesson which I have yet to really learn.

I apologize for the collateral. It could have been anyone. 

Today, I restrain myself. I will keep to myself. 

You wouldn't even understand it anyway. We do not share the same plane. And I hate explaining. 

Please be happy and content and just keep the distance. You have nothing for me. Nothing I need, even if I mistook it for something I wanted. 

I wouldn't even attempt to be cryptic anymore... you never understood. And I don't expect you to, anytime soon.

Reality Checkers

I am still baffled how a person would want to complicate an already complicated situation. And the saddest part is that I get reeled in most of the time to be left the casualty of such behavior and thinking. 

Clearly, these are bad news. And yet, I get into it. Not particularly enjoying it, but it may have been an interesting opportunity to experience life. Sometimes I get to thinking that maybe I am more afraid of regrets than of lost chances. I have missed opportunities in the past. Maybe I am making up for them in one way or another. 

I have been trying to keep away from them. Should I try harder? I knew it would hurt, but that doesn't mean I should stop trying to do the right thing. 

If the situation was different, would they have chosen to be with me instead? See, there's no point in asking, right? Because the situation is not going to change anytime soon. This is what it is. And I am where I am and what I am to them. 

If the tables were turned, I really wouldn't be able to handle it too. 

This is one hell of a rut that I want to get out of...soon,immediately, pronto!

No Afterglow

I'm still tryna wrap my head around the surprise call from someone I didn't expect to hear from anymore. I think it's great though that there aren't any expectations. It only means I am well on my way on the road to completely forgetting.

I have never acknowledged the fact that he hurt me. But he did. His lies were just piercing. They cut deep.
I forgave him though. I accepted everything. I went on with it. Even if there wasn't anything for me.

His fascination of my world kept him coming back for more. But did he really care about me? If he could not care enough about some important people in his life, I knew I don't hold anything at all. He has a talent in doing that. It shouldn't suprise me.
He may or may not know the extent of his selfish ways. It just deeply saddens me that I had to be one of the people who witnessed that first hand.

My patience has worn thin this time around. He wanted to play me on my invitation. The last time we agreed on meeting up, I ended up in tears. I have told him how I felt about being promised something and being left with nothing. And so, as I have learned it the hard way, I made sure this time, I will not push my luck.
I admit though, that I have romanticized our first encounter after not seeing each other after some time. I used to imagine hugging him tightly, maybe kissing him. That didn't happen.  The warmth was gone. Sure, I was happy to see him. And happy he met my friends and my boss. But that was it. That was that.
I do hope he finally realized what he wanted.

We were sitting next to each other. Occasionally holding hands, brushing shoulders, whispering, looking at each other. But it was way different from the past. All of a sudden, it felt like we were strangers. Sad.