It's a little too sunny in Phili...

Not one of them bright cheery Sundays one looks forward to every time. Mine started sucking. But at least there was a football match that made it a wee bit better. Otherwise, it would've just totally tanked!

I got driving as a therapy to most 'feel bad, feel sad' situations. Believe me, I'm no drama queen so I'd rather just literally drive my emotions away.  I don't really wanna be around people too. My mistake was I tried to connect to one and as expected, I felt even worse. I know this person was quite clueless as to what was done and what was happening. I will never blame this being for being himself.  

Anyway, after all the driving and trying to recount the steps from what I did last Saturday, I found myself in Chinatown for a bit then, drove again...around the bay area. Then around the valley...I was burning quite a few liters, not to mention my treads. I was just totally sad, I guess. I was actually screaming my heart out inside the car. Cray-zy...but it kinna helped me cope. Cuz I was just totally pissed and out of it. 

There was a bit of retrospecting that happened whilst sitting in the dark corner of that coffee shop in that hilly part of the metro. It wasn't good. I mean the idea of retrospecting was good, but what came out was just even more depressing if I may say so...

Here we go again with that cycle of being not good enough. It's a tough one to deal with. Why am I always faced with situations with people who would make me feel so inadequate, under qualified...and yeah, plain not good enough...bruh!

I am not hating. I just prolly need to slow down on the caring part...Certainly cannot expect everyone to be appreciative...

Dazed and Confused...

So if there's anything I learned from the more recent heartbreaks, well I have to accept that everything's temporary. And may never even be real... Yup. Such is life. I'm just trying to enjoy the ride. 

Doesn't really take much to make me happy. Little things make me smile. I appreciate the time people give me and I have no qualms in giving much of my time. Sometimes, too much of mine that I tend to not have so much for myself. But hey, my time spent with people I like to spend it with would always be the best. 

I am trying my best to not expect from people too much though. I give people too much credit. I think that's what I should work on. Nothing wrong with being the most understanding person in the planet, right? But little do you realize that in being the most understanding being means allowing people to just do what they please and for your part--not knowing that you're already getting disappointed and even worse, heartbroken. I think they should know if they're really clueless about it. But how? I am certainly not the type who would call out people for their callousness.  Again, maybe- my mistake here is that I am so polite that I'd find myself just being calm about it and just walking away. Well, sometimes, I don't even walk away when I should've. I just let it slide. And then, it eats me up later. 

I admit that I should've been more expressive of my disappointments. Especially to people who hardly know me. But I don't know them well enough either so I should just let go of this idea of them being a little sensitive and grateful for the time I spend on them. I am happy to oblige anyway.  My friends would think I waste my time too much on these things. Petty. Juvenile. 

However, I feel that life is too short to miss out on the possibilities. Spontaneity has its perks and when I come to think about it, most of my disappointments come from plans that didn't push through. 

Maybe I should just stop caring too much. 

Emotion Dumpster it is...

So I end up reading a new-found friend's blog and I realize how much of an emotional dumpster of a blog mine is...hahaha.

I could indulge one with my elaborate excuse for such but why would I even do that?

Lately, it's been a roller coaster of a ride yet again...But as I move along, I guess I am able to find other things to make me enjoy the ride. Or maybe take my mind off the other things that make me feel sad...

It's baffling sometimes though,as I admittedly still snap back to sulking about certain events and er, people...but thankfully, the universe has its way of making it up to me. Like meeting new people who are turning out to be great folks...even spending time with colleagues who I never thought in a million years would turn out to be really sensible and genuine beings.

The goal now is to get better... hopefully, I won't get sick anymore in trying to do so. My health issues always tend to get in the way. I dunno why but perhaps it's psychosomatic. Jeeze.

Oh well...more happy thoughts please!!!

The Fly By...

So the silence was broken. If only for a brief exchange of messages...everything just came rushing back. The emotions- sadness, longing, disappointment, missing... So many questions that I just didn't bother to ask. I thought I shouldn't ruin the moment. 

I lost him. I had the feeling. And it took awhile for me to finally accept it. More sadness, more disappointment, more missing..and yes, more longing. 

But ultimately, it's for the best. And as I struggled to compose a final message to question and apologize at the same time- I got my validation.  That it was indeed over and I could now try to pick up the pieces and charge everything to experience. 

They say experience is always the best teacher. But of course, it doesn't guarantee that it would be pain-free... When you come to think of it, yes- it's full of hurtful things. 

I sometimes have a feeling that he's reading this. Or someone close to him, had.  

And if I had a chance to speak to you and tell you something, it will be just to thank you. Life wouldn't be as interesting and as colorful if you didn't come to my life...it was beautiful- whatever I thought I had with you. 

My friend was right in saying that you'd leave a scar. That you'd hurt me emotionally and psychologically because you have a knack of hurting people and not care about it if it means saving yourself from trouble.

I forgive you...and I'm going to try my very best to forget you. 

The Unforgotten...

A friend told me to stay away from you. You are bound to hurt me psychologically, and more so emotionally. And you won't even be sorry for a bit if it would save you from all the trouble. 

I wished it ended differently. The kind that would have two people talk and part ways amicably. What do you exactly take me for?  I must've assumed we were the real deal friends. You could have told me I was wrong.  Instead you disappeared and too coward to even say fuck off to me.

Please don't forget that you've hurt me. I have forgiven you though. But as it turns out, you now feel that this is the best way to go. How mature and how cowardly.  You're hurting me yet again. 

Dealing with the Cards...

Another whirlwind week just flew by. Had an awesome weekend spent with fam and friends and some cars. 

Soccer boy left for his home country. Three dots was his usual inconsistent self while the other a-hole just pissed me off during the last phone convo we had. I have to say, this week was more enlightening for me more than ever. I am proud to add that yes, I'm well on my way to fully ridding myself of these completely-waste-of-time-blokes.

I am trying to think if I came off as that desperate to even spend time and effort with these people... My friends are always right and I am always giving so much benefit. Well, it has to end somehow... I am quite grateful though that it wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be when I decide to just give up and throw in the towels. 

My recent conversation with the a-hole got me irritated with his insinuations about three dots and why I am still keeping ties with him... Of course at some point, you will get pissed. Not because I was guilty but more so because he doesn't even know half the story.

Three dots also lost his appeal when he would ask me for a huge favor and end up changing his mind in the middle of it all and yes, I was caught in the middle of it all... Stupid!!! I hate being used. And it hurts even more that I actually allowed myself to get used. 

So that should be the end. 

Soccer boy is also inconsistent but I never expected much from him anyway. So it doesn't really matter.

A-hole still tops the list. I know he only reconnected because he needs my help. I may be helpful, but I'm not stupid. And I have been warned. 

And over the weekend, a friend read my tarot cards. If I get blinded by what I see, I may suffer the consequence of losing everything. I am afraid all of a sudden as this could be anything and anyone.

My responsibility is far greater than ever. I am the designated caretaker of the family's properties. And so I have to be a little more than cautious. Of people and their intentions. 

At the end of the day, people have vested interests that need to be met somehow. And maybe at other people's expense.

I may have the power to change my cards. I am my own captain, but I cannot change the character of the people that lurk around me. So I suppose that's enough reason for me to let go of these freaks.  

The cards may have something else to say next...

Happy Birthday to me...

It's my birth month! I officially turn a year older 10 days into the new year. Still not fully recovered from the holidays, I am forced into more celebrating and yep, pretty much to some more spending.

As always though, I never really make such a big fuss about it. Nothing grandiose. Just a simple lunch then a simple dinner and a meet up. Whoa? A meet up? Suffice to say, it was pretty low key but nonetheless wonderful. Much like who I am. Hehehe...

My friends from Honda Cars lent me a birthday ride with the CRV Cruiser Edition. Which of course would prompt a road trip for the

weekend. 

And so Tagaytay it was. I can't believe how many times I've been there, but it's like a gift that keeps on giving. Got the chance to eat at Gourmet Farms' The Dining Room which was actually pretty good. I also got to go to the Pink Sisters Chapel which I never been to even after the many times I've been in the area. 

The most fun about the trip was I got to be with my closest friends. Friends who I had been keeping for a couple of decades now. I'm very grateful.

The night before the road trip, I met a friend. I was getting frustrated at first for being made to wait and spend the last couple of hours of my birthday waiting in the car and driving in circles. But in the end, it turned out well. And we've been pseudo friends since then..."Pseudo" shall be explained later...LOL.

Anyway, I got flooded with so many greets. And one particular text that I was hoping not to get, got through. It didn't make such an impact though, which was surprising. Although there was a lot of missing involved in that.

Sometimes I wish it never got through if only to feel that empty yet again. I'd be weird to say I wish it never got through so that I would feel more important that way-- more afterthought was given to not doing something as opposed to something perfunctory.

Post scripting all things birthday-- I got a call a couple of days after.  This person waited for my reply apparently. For my acknowledgment. Which I honestly and deliberately delayed because I was thinking of something witty to say or at least something with more 'afterthought' ... I know, I'm weird like that.

The other person which I had no high hopes for completely skipped any greetings which I later found out didn't really know when it was. Well understandably, this person never bothered to ask and most prolly wasn't paying attention to what we and everybody else have been saying about my birthday. Exactly two weeks after, this person greets me and asks for a treat. Pfffft...

All in all, 2014 with all the crazy twists and turns turned out to be a pretty good one for me and pretty much empowering. This year looks pretty promising although, I had a slow start and I'm still stretching my legs.  

Anyway, I have so much things to do. So many things left to accomplish. Here's to more of the good things--all the best I say... thinking about it, I'm so stoked...Finally!