Happy Birthday to me...

It's my birth month! I officially turn a year older 10 days into the new year. Still not fully recovered from the holidays, I am forced into more celebrating and yep, pretty much to some more spending.

As always though, I never really make such a big fuss about it. Nothing grandiose. Just a simple lunch then a simple dinner and a meet up. Whoa? A meet up? Suffice to say, it was pretty low key but nonetheless wonderful. Much like who I am. Hehehe...

My friends from Honda Cars lent me a birthday ride with the CRV Cruiser Edition. Which of course would prompt a road trip for the

weekend. 

And so Tagaytay it was. I can't believe how many times I've been there, but it's like a gift that keeps on giving. Got the chance to eat at Gourmet Farms' The Dining Room which was actually pretty good. I also got to go to the Pink Sisters Chapel which I never been to even after the many times I've been in the area. 

The most fun about the trip was I got to be with my closest friends. Friends who I had been keeping for a couple of decades now. I'm very grateful.

The night before the road trip, I met a friend. I was getting frustrated at first for being made to wait and spend the last couple of hours of my birthday waiting in the car and driving in circles. But in the end, it turned out well. And we've been pseudo friends since then..."Pseudo" shall be explained later...LOL.

Anyway, I got flooded with so many greets. And one particular text that I was hoping not to get, got through. It didn't make such an impact though, which was surprising. Although there was a lot of missing involved in that.

Sometimes I wish it never got through if only to feel that empty yet again. I'd be weird to say I wish it never got through so that I would feel more important that way-- more afterthought was given to not doing something as opposed to something perfunctory.

Post scripting all things birthday-- I got a call a couple of days after.  This person waited for my reply apparently. For my acknowledgment. Which I honestly and deliberately delayed because I was thinking of something witty to say or at least something with more 'afterthought' ... I know, I'm weird like that.

The other person which I had no high hopes for completely skipped any greetings which I later found out didn't really know when it was. Well understandably, this person never bothered to ask and most prolly wasn't paying attention to what we and everybody else have been saying about my birthday. Exactly two weeks after, this person greets me and asks for a treat. Pfffft...

All in all, 2014 with all the crazy twists and turns turned out to be a pretty good one for me and pretty much empowering. This year looks pretty promising although, I had a slow start and I'm still stretching my legs.  

Anyway, I have so much things to do. So many things left to accomplish. Here's to more of the good things--all the best I say... thinking about it, I'm so stoked...Finally!

Post Christmas Post

Definitely a different Christmas this year...I dunno if I feel so much better...at peace or what not. But I would say, different. Maybe because there were new additions to my life.  New players present and key people, juxtaposed. 

I am so grateful though. At least, this year was a clear indication that there's growth and that it's dynamic and not stagnant. However, this year has taken my heart to the rough and tumbles more than I ever imagined it would. 

I am not complaining. It makes one feel alive, doesn't it? I suppose it just gets confusing when these new players do things that you can't quite comprehend. 

Emotions aside, I guess I'm doing well. I am able to do things I said I would. I have been able to push myself and do certain things that used to scare me. 

I have prolly matured thrice and caught up in the lost years...and this should be good. 

To the people involved, I hope you will find it in your heart to stay true to the people you have in your respective lives. I don't think I shall be wearing the sign 'gullible' anymore. I am just so done...End of chapter...or chapters. Hahaha...

Next Christmas? Love actually.

Maneuvering Back to Me...

It was difficult to not say anything to you. You reached out to me yet again. And as much as I wanted to play it down, I  ended up responding. Not the way I used to. But enough too let you know that I still am around. Thank you for the time. I appreciate it. Now if you'll excuse me, I still have a broken heart to fix...

Wrapped Heart...

I say it's never easy. But I am grateful for the little victories I make each time I am able to stop myself from reaching out to you...

Today, I've thought about you about a gazillion times. But no amount of missing will push me to reconnect and bring back what was lost but was never mine to begin with.

I often wonder if I ever did matter to you. Or I appeal more to the curiosity and nothing more. Whenever I think of that possibility, I get sad. But it's got to hurt at some point. I just wish it wasn't this painful.

I'm giving up. There's nothing to hold on to. I wish you well wherever you are. I am sorry but I can't wait for you to make up your mind, if you haven't yet. If ever you did, then I know that you didn't choose me, or our possibility. But don't worry about me- I am so used to this. Anyway, I don't expect you to worry about me anymore. I have fully accepted that part. It just hurts too much sometimes. But I know I'll survive. 

There was never a day I didn't miss you. But I am doing this because your happiness is much more important than mine. 

I wrapped a gift that will forever remain untouched and unopened... It's not something you may need...it's never what you wanted. 

A Done Deal...

I had an awesome weekend. It went well even without the people I hoped to have spent it with. 

New experiences with people I barely knew still went great. I realized that I should always give new situations like those a try. I had a nice time. I am grateful I went. I am grateful I had the chance.

I should commence with the distancing part yet again. I should finally accept the fact that this person will always be unreliable. I knew that...and yet a part of me always gives this person the benefit of the doubt, when this person has time and again proven unworthy of my time and effort. 

The minute this person notices how far I am already, the more that this person will create situations to make sure I get reeled back in. 

What have I done? What gives? All I know that I once decided to trust this person. And then I ended up being on the losing end. 

I have to let go now. Before it's too late. I keep telling myself that. It's so difficult.

The chapter needs an ending soon. I just dunno how to...but I know I have to.

Maps...

I hear your voice in my sleep at night
Hard to resist temptation
'Cause something strange has come over me
And now I can’t get over you
No, I just can’t get over you*


I honestly cannot stay away from you. Hard as I try, there's just no way I can just leave it all behind. I know I should. It gets really difficult at times.

But thank you for the time you are able to spare for me. Every bit of it means the world to me. Kind of makes up for the tears I have shed for you. And despite all the hurtful things, I am grateful- always remember that.

Getting lost with you that time, looking for a place, felt more like what has been happening inside my heart. Cheesy introspection, yes- but it's my truth. 

So I’m following the map that leads to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you*


And although I acknowledge the fact that it just isn't possible to be around you for long- that I am only spared a few moments like that- thank you just the same.

One day, I will wake up and not have what I am having right now towards you. I will look back to this day and you can expect a smile. I don't want any more tear. 

I am slowly letting go. It's a process that one must go through. I wish it was easier. But I can only wish.


-----------
*Lines from Maps by Maroon 5

Making it Matter...

Finally reached out to me. I still sense the indifference. I should be the one being THAT towards him, but I couldn't. I break down all over again. And I said I miss the person I knew before all this. 

It's a roller coaster of emotions I should say. And it's not at all fun. I am embattled. I am torn apart. It's true what my friend said about him scarring me eventually, for life. And as much as I have been wanting to stay away from that, the more I get drawn in and become more hurt. He's got the power. Why did I ever give him the power in the first place?

He ought to be happy with what he has...Why can't he be thankful for what he has? Why does he say that he's getting tired of doing the same things for his relationship when he ought to be doing just that? I am so hurt that's why I distanced myself. And yet he comes closer...reels me back in. And I am torn all over again...