I decided to give it one last try for reason unbeknownst to me. My friend was trying to ask me just that and I couldn't come up with one solid rationale. I'm guessing maybe I just wanted to spend time with him. I somehow knew it could be the last. And indeed, it may have been.
He was the first name that popped in my head when I was trying to figure out who to take with me to THAT place. I felt it was an opportune moment to finally clear things up so I can move on. I've always felt that there was an unfinished biz somewhere. Or maybe I was just imagining it. Perhaps.
No amount of enthusiasm upon confirmation. Few words were written and nothing in between. It was foreboding. But ever the hopeful, I let it slip and just went on with it.
Anxiously, I drove. And finally, together. Cold. Still no enthusiasm. Just sarcasm. But am I not used to it? Yes, even if I've only spent a few times with him. That was what he was. Sarcastic. Usual small talk. It was pretty heavy. I have been trying my best to reach out. I realized I suck at being genuinely nice to people who are just about abrasive... Totally different from the person I met a few months ago. Maybe this is the real person I missed out on. It sure seemed like forever. The drive. Dry. I dunno if he was even interested in what was going on or he was just glad to be doing something else with his time. After all he has quite an exciting routine.
I pause and remember what a friend said to not punish him for being him. So I just took it all in. I can be the bigger person here, as I have done so in the past.
So it was brought up- subtly... about a new person. Inevitable I said in silence. But admittedly, my heart skipped a beat for a second or two. Then I just tried to picture it-- I can be judgmental. I can be shallow. And with that brief moment of being judgmental and shallow- I saw him. And of course, I didn't like him. Nothing about him makes it all worth the trouble. Superficial levels or otherwise.
But he was there. With me. Spending time together. Might as well find something to be grateful about. Or make it an opportunity to have him realize what it means to be with someone like me-- whether it be good or bad.
And then what was apparent was his abrasive nature. I thank myself for being patient and kind even if I wanted to slap myself silly for subjecting myself in to this situation. Just ridiculous.
I dunno what was going on in his head. I was concerned about what was going on with mine.
Sitting on the slide, holding on to a balloon,we were like kids. It's a nice scene but I felt sad. I said some things. Asked some silly things that kind of hurt but I had to say them. Didn't want them to rot inside. And I did. And I just teared up with my back towards him. I was trying to wipe my tears as fast as I could. I did this to myself. I owned it. It should feel better after that.
It should feel better the next day. Indeed it did. More realizations. More cathartic moments. The sea provided a good back drop. Was that friendship? or has it been reduced to mere beads that you buy for 50 bucks?
The abrasive nature rubbed off a bit on me. I was being sarcastic myself. Bordering on the rude and seemingly being mean. Exactly what he was and what he was denying.
It was brought up again. The new person. It became clearer. Details revealed. And then I said my piece. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I wish I was told beforehand so I wouldn't have made so much of an effort to reach out anymore than I did.
Was it such a waste of time, I reckon? It was said that I should know him and he's not serious. But somebody else is and that was exactly what made me feel disappointed. Not because I was pushing for something between us, but there were certain 'feels' that were felt. Not on my account. Not anymore. He thought it was funny to tease and call me a home wrecker. I took that one hard. But I know I'm a good person...so again, I just took it all in.
I am not going to make any more effort than I have for this whatever. I seriously wish him well. And I sincerely hope he finds what he intends to seek. I tried. And it just made me sad. I wouldn't be surprised if one day I shall be unfriended yet again. Because maybe, we were never even...no I don't think we were...
