Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Revert at Will...

I wanted to write something about my journey to my current status. On how I wound up here and what happened from the last time I was pouring my sentiments in here. Yes, I believe I still am pretty emotional about certain things. But I feel that I am in a better place. I have put more value on myself now than I ever did before. I no longer think of myself as a spare tire. The kind one settles just to make it through the day. I am more than that.

I have come to realize that it does feel wonderful to be really important to someone. For the first time, I was honest with myself; honest with my feelings. I let myself go and show someone exactly how I feel about him. I was brave enough to shower him all the affection that I thought and felt he deserved because that's exactly how I felt about him. Loving, caring, respectful and just about wonderful. Although I have doubts that he feels the same way, it was a small price to pay for the happiness he has brought to my life. For that I am forever grateful and forever changed.

I thank him for making me feel wanted and not disposable. I thank him for making me feel appreciated and not patronized. I thank him for being kind and respectful of my feelings. For looking out for me. For holding my hand and allowing me to feel that it's really happening ...that we are together. That we are walking side by side.

I have held other hands but none as warm and assuring as his. I know nothing is permanent in this world, but at that moment, I felt secure because it felt so real without me having to convince myself that it was.

And although we are thousands of miles away from each other, I have memories to keep in my heart. They could never take that away from me. They would have to take my heart away first.

I never knew it could feel this amazing. And whatever happens in the future I will always look to that moment when he first looked at me and smiled and I felt I would be all right.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Refreshing the Page...

I have always been happy for other people. I was not brought up ruining other people's moment. I've always treated people with respect regardless of age, social background and all that. 

Today, I've learned to be happy for this one person that made me happy for a while and then confused me and just made me sad and even hate myself at one point. 

I have long forgiven him though and even made an effort to give it another shot. Even at that point, I knew I was the only one really interested in giving it a shot. Why did I bother? I'd usually ask myself that. Maybe because I was always willing to give people a chance to redeem themselves. But to them, it was who they really are. So no matter how many chances I'd give them, things will remain the same. Because I was never enough reason to be at their best version. That's all there is to it.

Seeing him happy now made me understand better. That I was not the one who could give it to him. And even if I knew in my heart he couldn't do the same for me, I tried to make it work because he was there, we were there and it was maybe worth trying. If only he felt the same. I thought he did. But I couldn't get past certain things about him. And never found out the other things he can actually do. 

I am not trying to convince myself that I'm happy because I should. I am genuinely secure of how I feel now. I just needed to see that one last picture before I say my real goodbye.

Thank you. My list isn't as long as your exchanges with your significant other. How can it be?

If and when I see or hear from you again, I'd say thank you. It was never a waste of time. There was a reason. And we may never know, but maybe it had to happen. 

Good luck and hopefully some good plan from your end. Everyone deserves to be happy. 

Sunday, June 7, 2015

The End of an Adventure...

I decided to give it one last try for reason unbeknownst to me. My friend was trying to ask me just that and I couldn't come up with one solid rationale. I'm guessing maybe I just wanted to spend time with him. I somehow knew it could be the last. And indeed, it may have been. 

He was the first name that popped in my head when I was trying to figure out who to take with me to THAT place. I felt it was an opportune moment to finally clear things up so I can move on. I've always felt that there was an unfinished biz somewhere. Or maybe I was just imagining it. Perhaps. 

No amount of enthusiasm upon confirmation. Few words were written and nothing in between. It was foreboding. But ever the hopeful, I let it slip and just went on with it. 

Anxiously, I drove. And finally, together. Cold. Still no enthusiasm. Just sarcasm. But am I not used to it? Yes, even if I've only spent a few times with him. That was what he was. Sarcastic. Usual small talk. It was pretty heavy. I have been trying my best to reach out. I realized I suck at being genuinely nice to people who are just about abrasive... Totally different from the person I met a few months ago. Maybe this is the real person I missed out on. It sure seemed like forever. The drive. Dry. I dunno if he was even interested in what was going on or he was just glad to be doing something else with his time. After all he has quite an exciting routine. 

I pause and remember what a friend said to not punish him for being him. So I just took it all in. I can be the bigger person here, as I have done so in the past. 

So it was brought up- subtly... about a new person. Inevitable I said in silence. But admittedly, my heart skipped a beat for a second or two. Then I just tried to picture it-- I can be judgmental. I can be shallow. And with that brief moment of being judgmental and shallow- I saw him. And of course, I didn't like him. Nothing about him makes it all worth the trouble. Superficial levels or otherwise. 

But he was there. With me. Spending time together. Might as well find something to be grateful about. Or make it an opportunity to have him realize what it means to be with someone like me-- whether it be good or bad.

And then what was apparent was his abrasive nature. I thank myself for being patient and kind even if I wanted to slap myself silly for subjecting myself in to this situation. Just ridiculous. 

I dunno what was going on in his head. I was concerned about what was going on with  mine. 

Sitting on the slide, holding on to a balloon,we were like kids. It's a nice scene but I felt sad. I said some things. Asked some silly things that kind of hurt but I had to say them. Didn't want them to rot inside. And I did. And I just teared up with my back towards him. I was trying to wipe my tears as fast as I could. I did this to myself. I owned it. It should feel better after that. 

It should feel better the next day. Indeed it did. More realizations. More cathartic moments. The sea provided a good back drop. Was that friendship? or has it been reduced to mere beads that you buy for 50 bucks? 

The abrasive nature rubbed off a bit on me. I was being sarcastic myself. Bordering on the rude and seemingly being mean. Exactly what he was and what he was denying. 

It was brought up again. The new person. It became clearer. Details revealed. And then I said my piece. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I wish I was told beforehand so I wouldn't have made so much of an effort to reach out anymore than I did. 

Was it such a waste of time, I reckon? It was said that I should know him and he's not serious. But somebody else is and that was exactly what made me feel disappointed. Not because I was pushing for something between us, but there were certain 'feels' that were felt. Not on my account. Not anymore. He thought it was funny to tease and call me a home wrecker. I took that one hard. But I know I'm a good again, I just took it all in.

I am not going to make any more effort than I have for this whatever. I seriously wish him well. And I sincerely hope he finds what he intends to seek. I tried. And it just made me sad. I wouldn't be surprised if one day I shall be unfriended yet again. Because maybe, we were never I don't think we were...

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Decompression Obsession...

I dunno what to make of it. I found out a few details. A little shocked,but I thought I needed it. Somehow I understand now. Just a few more and I am done. 

Saturday, May 16, 2015

The Yoke of it All...

I hate that I still am kicking and beating myself for what was... It's such a heavy load that I just wanna get rid of. But it won't get away.

Why do I keep coming back? As if I didn't get hurt enough. 

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Unfriend Zoned...

I am in disbelief. The maturity levels!!! For the first time in the gazillion years of my existence, after being turned down for a couple of times, I was digitally erased from his memory.

Sad day indeed...but what can the poor me do but just accept.

I miss him everyday that much I can say. But I know the feeling will never be mutual...but I never knew and never prepared myself for this.

He never considered me a friend. I meant nothing. And that's the most hurtful thing that could ever happen to anyone. No, I'm not a drama queen. I'm not a sensitive prick. OA. 

I am a human being...I get hurt. Because I treated this person like a friend. Willing to do anything for, this despite the fact that I hardly knew him. 

I wish him well though. I really dunno what's goin on in his head. All I know now is just that our paths once crossed and we walked together but we have to go our separate ways.  Thank you. You made me happy even for a brief time...

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Closing Time...

I would like to think I made all the effort to reach out ...lunch was no good, dinner's for wimps...not interested in a night cap, ice cream nor 5 minutes...

It was heartbreaking. For the first time- I was close to begging. I am completely baffled. I seemed a lil crazy. Maybe that's why it was deemed getting ugly. 

It was a sad day. 

Never have I felt this way. I knew he was being nice and so the ultimate NO to my invitations never came in its simple form. It had to take another shape. It took a play of other words. But it still felt horrible. 

I dunno why even feel this way. Why would I feel bad? Is he now that important to me? Maybe... and I couldn't get myself to admit it to myself either. I keep thinking and justifying that it's just prolly ego...but I hurt. It really does. 

No matter how I've tried to condition myself with the fact that this is just temporary and he's leaving anyway, I still end up wanting to be together. Not necessarily a relationship-- a friendship could've been nice.  But now--- I'm left with nothing.

The moment he asked to stop messaging him before he figured a reason for us to meet, I knew it was a done deal. It was over. And even though I received a three worded message from  him today, the warmth was gone. It was so cold I got teary eyed. 

I need to understand that it has reached the saturation point. It's time...and as much as I don't want to say it's the end- it maybe is...