Wrapped Heart...

I say it's never easy. But I am grateful for the little victories I make each time I am able to stop myself from reaching out to you...

Today, I've thought about you about a gazillion times. But no amount of missing will push me to reconnect and bring back what was lost but was never mine to begin with.

I often wonder if I ever did matter to you. Or I appeal more to the curiosity and nothing more. Whenever I think of that possibility, I get sad. But it's got to hurt at some point. I just wish it wasn't this painful.

I'm giving up. There's nothing to hold on to. I wish you well wherever you are. I am sorry but I can't wait for you to make up your mind, if you haven't yet. If ever you did, then I know that you didn't choose me, or our possibility. But don't worry about me- I am so used to this. Anyway, I don't expect you to worry about me anymore. I have fully accepted that part. It just hurts too much sometimes. But I know I'll survive. 

There was never a day I didn't miss you. But I am doing this because your happiness is much more important than mine. 

I wrapped a gift that will forever remain untouched and unopened... It's not something you may need...it's never what you wanted. 

A Done Deal...

I had an awesome weekend. It went well even without the people I hoped to have spent it with. 

New experiences with people I barely knew still went great. I realized that I should always give new situations like those a try. I had a nice time. I am grateful I went. I am grateful I had the chance.

I should commence with the distancing part yet again. I should finally accept the fact that this person will always be unreliable. I knew that...and yet a part of me always gives this person the benefit of the doubt, when this person has time and again proven unworthy of my time and effort. 

The minute this person notices how far I am already, the more that this person will create situations to make sure I get reeled back in. 

What have I done? What gives? All I know that I once decided to trust this person. And then I ended up being on the losing end. 

I have to let go now. Before it's too late. I keep telling myself that. It's so difficult.

The chapter needs an ending soon. I just dunno how to...but I know I have to.

Maps...

I hear your voice in my sleep at night
Hard to resist temptation
'Cause something strange has come over me
And now I can’t get over you
No, I just can’t get over you*


I honestly cannot stay away from you. Hard as I try, there's just no way I can just leave it all behind. I know I should. It gets really difficult at times.

But thank you for the time you are able to spare for me. Every bit of it means the world to me. Kind of makes up for the tears I have shed for you. And despite all the hurtful things, I am grateful- always remember that.

Getting lost with you that time, looking for a place, felt more like what has been happening inside my heart. Cheesy introspection, yes- but it's my truth. 

So I’m following the map that leads to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you*


And although I acknowledge the fact that it just isn't possible to be around you for long- that I am only spared a few moments like that- thank you just the same.

One day, I will wake up and not have what I am having right now towards you. I will look back to this day and you can expect a smile. I don't want any more tear. 

I am slowly letting go. It's a process that one must go through. I wish it was easier. But I can only wish.


-----------
*Lines from Maps by Maroon 5

Making it Matter...

Finally reached out to me. I still sense the indifference. I should be the one being THAT towards him, but I couldn't. I break down all over again. And I said I miss the person I knew before all this. 

It's a roller coaster of emotions I should say. And it's not at all fun. I am embattled. I am torn apart. It's true what my friend said about him scarring me eventually, for life. And as much as I have been wanting to stay away from that, the more I get drawn in and become more hurt. He's got the power. Why did I ever give him the power in the first place?

He ought to be happy with what he has...Why can't he be thankful for what he has? Why does he say that he's getting tired of doing the same things for his relationship when he ought to be doing just that? I am so hurt that's why I distanced myself. And yet he comes closer...reels me back in. And I am torn all over again...

Happy Selfish Day to you...

I made a conscious effort to restrain myself from saying anything to you on your day. I thought you wouldn't even give a flying fuck about it. Instead, I get a message from you. As if blaming me for being a bad person for not giving a flying fuck about your day. I should get mad at you. For making me feel so bad. What the hell do you want?  Never did I assume that I mean anything to you. Especially after all those lies. Do you honestly think those untruths meant nothing to me? 

You said I'm the last person you think would ever forget to greet you...WHY THE HELL IS THAT? I'm trying to wrap my head around that statement. And you sounded pretty dead serious about it when I called you. I thought you were just pulling my leg. But I did feel your disappointment. And now, you make me feel doubly bad about it. Once again, you have managed to reel me back in. 

You know how I feel about you, Mr. Selfish. With or without the message or call, it remains the same. I just know where I should be...

Cruel Intentions...not!

I am firm to say that I am a level headed person. If in case there would be lapses in judgments, a bunch of my friends would be happy to remind me to revert back to who I really am. 

Admittedly, there were several decisions that were too hasty to be later realized as selfish and messed up. However, undoing such wouldn't make for a good lesson which I have yet to really learn.

I apologize for the collateral. It could have been anyone. 

Today, I restrain myself. I will keep to myself. 

You wouldn't even understand it anyway. We do not share the same plane. And I hate explaining. 

Please be happy and content and just keep the distance. You have nothing for me. Nothing I need, even if I mistook it for something I wanted. 

I wouldn't even attempt to be cryptic anymore... you never understood. And I don't expect you to, anytime soon.

Reality Checkers

I am still baffled how a person would want to complicate an already complicated situation. And the saddest part is that I get reeled in most of the time to be left the casualty of such behavior and thinking. 

Clearly, these are bad news. And yet, I get into it. Not particularly enjoying it, but it may have been an interesting opportunity to experience life. Sometimes I get to thinking that maybe I am more afraid of regrets than of lost chances. I have missed opportunities in the past. Maybe I am making up for them in one way or another. 

I have been trying to keep away from them. Should I try harder? I knew it would hurt, but that doesn't mean I should stop trying to do the right thing. 

If the situation was different, would they have chosen to be with me instead? See, there's no point in asking, right? Because the situation is not going to change anytime soon. This is what it is. And I am where I am and what I am to them. 

If the tables were turned, I really wouldn't be able to handle it too. 

This is one hell of a rut that I want to get out of...soon,immediately, pronto!