Post Christmas Post

Definitely a different Christmas this year...I dunno if I feel so much better...at peace or what not. But I would say, different. Maybe because there were new additions to my life.  New players present and key people, juxtaposed. 

I am so grateful though. At least, this year was a clear indication that there's growth and that it's dynamic and not stagnant. However, this year has taken my heart to the rough and tumbles more than I ever imagined it would. 

I am not complaining. It makes one feel alive, doesn't it? I suppose it just gets confusing when these new players do things that you can't quite comprehend. 

Emotions aside, I guess I'm doing well. I am able to do things I said I would. I have been able to push myself and do certain things that used to scare me. 

I have prolly matured thrice and caught up in the lost years...and this should be good. 

To the people involved, I hope you will find it in your heart to stay true to the people you have in your respective lives. I don't think I shall be wearing the sign 'gullible' anymore. I am just so done...End of chapter...or chapters. Hahaha...

Next Christmas? Love actually.

Maneuvering Back to Me...

It was difficult to not say anything to you. You reached out to me yet again. And as much as I wanted to play it down, I  ended up responding. Not the way I used to. But enough too let you know that I still am around. Thank you for the time. I appreciate it. Now if you'll excuse me, I still have a broken heart to fix...

Wrapped Heart...

I say it's never easy. But I am grateful for the little victories I make each time I am able to stop myself from reaching out to you...

Today, I've thought about you about a gazillion times. But no amount of missing will push me to reconnect and bring back what was lost but was never mine to begin with.

I often wonder if I ever did matter to you. Or I appeal more to the curiosity and nothing more. Whenever I think of that possibility, I get sad. But it's got to hurt at some point. I just wish it wasn't this painful.

I'm giving up. There's nothing to hold on to. I wish you well wherever you are. I am sorry but I can't wait for you to make up your mind, if you haven't yet. If ever you did, then I know that you didn't choose me, or our possibility. But don't worry about me- I am so used to this. Anyway, I don't expect you to worry about me anymore. I have fully accepted that part. It just hurts too much sometimes. But I know I'll survive. 

There was never a day I didn't miss you. But I am doing this because your happiness is much more important than mine. 

I wrapped a gift that will forever remain untouched and unopened... It's not something you may need...it's never what you wanted. 

A Done Deal...

I had an awesome weekend. It went well even without the people I hoped to have spent it with. 

New experiences with people I barely knew still went great. I realized that I should always give new situations like those a try. I had a nice time. I am grateful I went. I am grateful I had the chance.

I should commence with the distancing part yet again. I should finally accept the fact that this person will always be unreliable. I knew that...and yet a part of me always gives this person the benefit of the doubt, when this person has time and again proven unworthy of my time and effort. 

The minute this person notices how far I am already, the more that this person will create situations to make sure I get reeled back in. 

What have I done? What gives? All I know that I once decided to trust this person. And then I ended up being on the losing end. 

I have to let go now. Before it's too late. I keep telling myself that. It's so difficult.

The chapter needs an ending soon. I just dunno how to...but I know I have to.

Maps...

I hear your voice in my sleep at night
Hard to resist temptation
'Cause something strange has come over me
And now I can’t get over you
No, I just can’t get over you*


I honestly cannot stay away from you. Hard as I try, there's just no way I can just leave it all behind. I know I should. It gets really difficult at times.

But thank you for the time you are able to spare for me. Every bit of it means the world to me. Kind of makes up for the tears I have shed for you. And despite all the hurtful things, I am grateful- always remember that.

Getting lost with you that time, looking for a place, felt more like what has been happening inside my heart. Cheesy introspection, yes- but it's my truth. 

So I’m following the map that leads to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you*


And although I acknowledge the fact that it just isn't possible to be around you for long- that I am only spared a few moments like that- thank you just the same.

One day, I will wake up and not have what I am having right now towards you. I will look back to this day and you can expect a smile. I don't want any more tear. 

I am slowly letting go. It's a process that one must go through. I wish it was easier. But I can only wish.


-----------
*Lines from Maps by Maroon 5

Making it Matter...

Finally reached out to me. I still sense the indifference. I should be the one being THAT towards him, but I couldn't. I break down all over again. And I said I miss the person I knew before all this. 

It's a roller coaster of emotions I should say. And it's not at all fun. I am embattled. I am torn apart. It's true what my friend said about him scarring me eventually, for life. And as much as I have been wanting to stay away from that, the more I get drawn in and become more hurt. He's got the power. Why did I ever give him the power in the first place?

He ought to be happy with what he has...Why can't he be thankful for what he has? Why does he say that he's getting tired of doing the same things for his relationship when he ought to be doing just that? I am so hurt that's why I distanced myself. And yet he comes closer...reels me back in. And I am torn all over again...

Happy Selfish Day to you...

I made a conscious effort to restrain myself from saying anything to you on your day. I thought you wouldn't even give a flying fuck about it. Instead, I get a message from you. As if blaming me for being a bad person for not giving a flying fuck about your day. I should get mad at you. For making me feel so bad. What the hell do you want?  Never did I assume that I mean anything to you. Especially after all those lies. Do you honestly think those untruths meant nothing to me? 

You said I'm the last person you think would ever forget to greet you...WHY THE HELL IS THAT? I'm trying to wrap my head around that statement. And you sounded pretty dead serious about it when I called you. I thought you were just pulling my leg. But I did feel your disappointment. And now, you make me feel doubly bad about it. Once again, you have managed to reel me back in. 

You know how I feel about you, Mr. Selfish. With or without the message or call, it remains the same. I just know where I should be...

Cruel Intentions...not!

I am firm to say that I am a level headed person. If in case there would be lapses in judgments, a bunch of my friends would be happy to remind me to revert back to who I really am. 

Admittedly, there were several decisions that were too hasty to be later realized as selfish and messed up. However, undoing such wouldn't make for a good lesson which I have yet to really learn.

I apologize for the collateral. It could have been anyone. 

Today, I restrain myself. I will keep to myself. 

You wouldn't even understand it anyway. We do not share the same plane. And I hate explaining. 

Please be happy and content and just keep the distance. You have nothing for me. Nothing I need, even if I mistook it for something I wanted. 

I wouldn't even attempt to be cryptic anymore... you never understood. And I don't expect you to, anytime soon.

Reality Checkers

I am still baffled how a person would want to complicate an already complicated situation. And the saddest part is that I get reeled in most of the time to be left the casualty of such behavior and thinking. 

Clearly, these are bad news. And yet, I get into it. Not particularly enjoying it, but it may have been an interesting opportunity to experience life. Sometimes I get to thinking that maybe I am more afraid of regrets than of lost chances. I have missed opportunities in the past. Maybe I am making up for them in one way or another. 

I have been trying to keep away from them. Should I try harder? I knew it would hurt, but that doesn't mean I should stop trying to do the right thing. 

If the situation was different, would they have chosen to be with me instead? See, there's no point in asking, right? Because the situation is not going to change anytime soon. This is what it is. And I am where I am and what I am to them. 

If the tables were turned, I really wouldn't be able to handle it too. 

This is one hell of a rut that I want to get out of...soon,immediately, pronto!

No Afterglow

I'm still tryna wrap my head around the surprise call from someone I didn't expect to hear from anymore. I think it's great though that there aren't any expectations. It only means I am well on my way on the road to completely forgetting.

I have never acknowledged the fact that he hurt me. But he did. His lies were just piercing. They cut deep.
I forgave him though. I accepted everything. I went on with it. Even if there wasn't anything for me.

His fascination of my world kept him coming back for more. But did he really care about me? If he could not care enough about some important people in his life, I knew I don't hold anything at all. He has a talent in doing that. It shouldn't suprise me.
He may or may not know the extent of his selfish ways. It just deeply saddens me that I had to be one of the people who witnessed that first hand.

My patience has worn thin this time around. He wanted to play me on my invitation. The last time we agreed on meeting up, I ended up in tears. I have told him how I felt about being promised something and being left with nothing. And so, as I have learned it the hard way, I made sure this time, I will not push my luck.
I admit though, that I have romanticized our first encounter after not seeing each other after some time. I used to imagine hugging him tightly, maybe kissing him. That didn't happen.  The warmth was gone. Sure, I was happy to see him. And happy he met my friends and my boss. But that was it. That was that.
I do hope he finally realized what he wanted.

We were sitting next to each other. Occasionally holding hands, brushing shoulders, whispering, looking at each other. But it was way different from the past. All of a sudden, it felt like we were strangers. Sad.

End of a Rut

I have been too complacent for my own good. I know I have said about a million times that I will pursue a healthy lifestyle. I've done it before and so why am I having such a difficult time now? I have so many excuses. I think I'm very good at it. Jeeze.  But I may have found yet another reason to finally get back into it. Following an encounter last night that almost shook my world into pieces, I said to myself, I have to take a hold of my life again. I can't just always be happy at the thought that yeah, I certainly don't look my age, but by god, who am I fooling? I can't change the numbers. It would always be that.

Anyway, I have some commitments this coming week and I would have to fix my life from here on.  I am not sure either if I wanted to see certain people at this point. Maybe a detox on that particular area of my life would also be necessary. I need to stop being lazy from now on. LOL.

By this time, if I had stuck to the kind of discipline I used to have, I may have achieved 'greatness'...hahaha. But it's never too late. And so I will have to document this. Thank god for new opportunities. At least in those areas, I won't have to worry too much. I can pretty much focus on my health this time around...So help me god! LOL.

Post Scripting The Months

As expected, I have been MIA for the past few months...And from the last post I did to this day, of course, so many things have happened. 

This year proved to be quite full of surprises. I got to go to the US, I quit my day job, met a few people. These are really big things to me. It's not everyday that you get to travel that far, nor let go of your comfort zone. And let strangers come in to your life. 

The emotions have become bigger and more felt and more than I could ever imagine. 

TRIP OF A LIFETIME

Last December, I met up with two of my best buds in college, Connie and Claudette. Connie has been working in the US for two years already and her contract will end by June 2014. Claudette, meanwhile, is a teacher in Singapore. We've always wanted to see Connie's place since we learned about it and promised to come and visit. Pressured and rattled, Claudette and I decided to finally start doing the legwork the soonest possible time. 

By March, we already got our visa appointments. Claudette was a week ahead of my sked. So when she got hers, the pressure on me became even far greater. I have been burnt once by my Canadian Visa denial a few years back. And so this really made me more extremely anxious. But despite the anxiety attack, I got my 10 years!!! Woot!!!

By April, I got my ticket!!! Original plan was just to go around California and then through the East Coast going to New Jersey and New York. However, my brother and sister wanted to see me and so I had to squeeze in some trips in my 20 day journey to the land of milk and honey. So California, Seattle, Florida, New Jersey and New York. Not to mention a few hours stopovers at North Carolina and yeah, in Hong Kong. First time to travel to the US and alone, and first time to go through several airports. Whew. 


EARLY RETIREMENT

It wasn't easy to just let go of your comfort zone. I have been working for trapik.com for 14 years and it was a lil sad to finally have to bid adieu. A month prior to my trip to the US, I was told about the impending demise of the company. In line with that, downsizing was the first step. And there I was, a lil embarrassed to ask a coworker to cover me while I bask in my US sojourn. But I didn't have to anymore since I got me an offer that would forever change my life. 

I signed up for the early retirement. I have been meaning to leave but just couldn't because it was like second nature to me. It was an easy job. The tough part was the waking up and getting to work, but what I was supposed to do was peanuts that I could do it blindfolded.

PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE

I opened myself up to the possibility of meeting new people. It was just kind of funny though that I had to rely on certain 'social networking sites' for this. I have a lot of friends but it wouldn't hurt to know more, right? So I signed up on certain sites not really hoping to find anything more than just getting to know people. Whatever happens next, well, happens.

I did meet a few interesting ones. One went to the house at 3 in the morning. The other I got to go on road trips with, while there's this other one who I get to have after midnight treats with. 3am guy was a kindred spirit. The road trip bud was a sweet, funny and thoughtful guy whilst after midnight dude was fun and funny and really cute. And although these 3 are the most memorable ones I've met, I will not get into details as to why I would never end up with any of them. 

3am guy has faded away, and it seems road trip bud is following suit. I am left with after midnight dude but we have barely scratched the surface on who we are. In short, he has yet to be honest about himself. 

A friend has expressed alarm for my guiltless nature in dealing with after midnight dude. I am aware. I am quite sure this will not lead to anything more. So why stay? I am just in it for the distraction and maybe, amusement? I know, my bad. 

I miss my road trip bud though the most. Of the three, he was the one who really poured his heart out and showed genuine concern. And yes, he was the one I got to hang out with the most. It saddens me on how we are now. But I will forever be grateful. 


FUTURE TENSE

There are a lot of issues to deal with in my life but I am truly and deeply burdened by something that I shouldn't even be thinking about. I have decided that I will not exert any more effort to fix it. Hell, I don't even know why it turned out the way it did. But one thing's for sure, it's all too sad for me and I'm walking away.

Enter the Horse...

My birth month is almost over. Gawd, I can't believe I'm this old. Thankfully, it hasn't really caught up to me and I don't look it. Hahaha. But seriously, 2013 has been quite a ride for me. So many surprises that truly caught me off guard. But just the same, I understand that everything happens for a reason, of which like most, I have no clue yet. It's a good thing that I am the patient kind. 

I've read about my luck for the Year of the Horse. Having been born  under the Rabbit sign, it's looking up according to the horoscope. In terms of career and love life, I would be pretty lucky this year, however, I may have to watch out for my health as I may turn out sickly this kicking 2014. And true enough, a few days before the New Year, I get terribly sick with the sniffles. Just before my birthday (January 10th), I also got sick with some strange illness that almost got me confined in the hospital. I dunno what's going on with my health but it's really something I should address right now. I signed up for a gym and I was only able to go about 3 times this month and the month is almost over...what??? I had a fitness test and I felt like I totally failed that since a few hours after I could hardly walk straight. Man, I used to do a lot of those back at Sky Fitness and I do a few in my new gym and I almost died...That's how bad my fitness condition is. 

I have a pending operation for my finger which has been pushed back even further with all the events happening at work. Darn this. I dunno why I can't seem to just get on with the program and start ticking off the box of my really important to do list. I am a total mess. Extra work seem to manage to shake up my focus because after all, that's extra money and uhm, I can't say I would say no to the blessing, right?

The start of the year was definitely quite a surprise. In my day job alone, there have been some changes. I no longer do the things I used to do and really do excellent at. However, I got me another regular gig and a promising new segment and so much room for improvement for the show this year. I met new people who now know of the services I can render and so many opportunities are definitely going to come my way.  There are just so many things to be had. And I would say it may be a lil steady right now and not rolling in quite smoothly YET but I know it'll pick up. 

On the other aspects of life, well, I would have to wait and see. With the bio clock ticking, the pressure is there but I am not going to be affected. Thankful for the other distractions and much grateful for the love and friendship I have been getting from the people that matter most.