Refreshing the Page...

I have always been happy for other people. I was not brought up ruining other people's moment. I've always treated people with respect regardless of age, social background and all that. 

Today, I've learned to be happy for this one person that made me happy for a while and then confused me and just made me sad and even hate myself at one point. 

I have long forgiven him though and even made an effort to give it another shot. Even at that point, I knew I was the only one really interested in giving it a shot. Why did I bother? I'd usually ask myself that. Maybe because I was always willing to give people a chance to redeem themselves. But to them, it was who they really are. So no matter how many chances I'd give them, things will remain the same. Because I was never enough reason to be at their best version. That's all there is to it.

Seeing him happy now made me understand better. That I was not the one who could give it to him. And even if I knew in my heart he couldn't do the same for me, I tried to make it work because he was there, we were there and it was maybe worth trying. If only he felt the same. I thought he did. But I couldn't get past certain things about him. And never found out the other things he can actually do. 

I am not trying to convince myself that I'm happy because I should. I am genuinely secure of how I feel now. I just needed to see that one last picture before I say my real goodbye.

Thank you. My list isn't as long as your exchanges with your significant other. How can it be?

If and when I see or hear from you again, I'd say thank you. It was never a waste of time. There was a reason. And we may never know, but maybe it had to happen. 

Good luck and hopefully some good plan from your end. Everyone deserves to be happy. 

The End of an Adventure...

I decided to give it one last try for reason unbeknownst to me. My friend was trying to ask me just that and I couldn't come up with one solid rationale. I'm guessing maybe I just wanted to spend time with him. I somehow knew it could be the last. And indeed, it may have been. 

He was the first name that popped in my head when I was trying to figure out who to take with me to THAT place. I felt it was an opportune moment to finally clear things up so I can move on. I've always felt that there was an unfinished biz somewhere. Or maybe I was just imagining it. Perhaps. 

No amount of enthusiasm upon confirmation. Few words were written and nothing in between. It was foreboding. But ever the hopeful, I let it slip and just went on with it. 

Anxiously, I drove. And finally, together. Cold. Still no enthusiasm. Just sarcasm. But am I not used to it? Yes, even if I've only spent a few times with him. That was what he was. Sarcastic. Usual small talk. It was pretty heavy. I have been trying my best to reach out. I realized I suck at being genuinely nice to people who are just about abrasive... Totally different from the person I met a few months ago. Maybe this is the real person I missed out on. It sure seemed like forever. The drive. Dry. I dunno if he was even interested in what was going on or he was just glad to be doing something else with his time. After all he has quite an exciting routine. 

I pause and remember what a friend said to not punish him for being him. So I just took it all in. I can be the bigger person here, as I have done so in the past. 

So it was brought up- subtly... about a new person. Inevitable I said in silence. But admittedly, my heart skipped a beat for a second or two. Then I just tried to picture it-- I can be judgmental. I can be shallow. And with that brief moment of being judgmental and shallow- I saw him. And of course, I didn't like him. Nothing about him makes it all worth the trouble. Superficial levels or otherwise. 

But he was there. With me. Spending time together. Might as well find something to be grateful about. Or make it an opportunity to have him realize what it means to be with someone like me-- whether it be good or bad.

And then what was apparent was his abrasive nature. I thank myself for being patient and kind even if I wanted to slap myself silly for subjecting myself in to this situation. Just ridiculous. 

I dunno what was going on in his head. I was concerned about what was going on with  mine. 

Sitting on the slide, holding on to a balloon,we were like kids. It's a nice scene but I felt sad. I said some things. Asked some silly things that kind of hurt but I had to say them. Didn't want them to rot inside. And I did. And I just teared up with my back towards him. I was trying to wipe my tears as fast as I could. I did this to myself. I owned it. It should feel better after that. 

It should feel better the next day. Indeed it did. More realizations. More cathartic moments. The sea provided a good back drop. Was that friendship? or has it been reduced to mere beads that you buy for 50 bucks? 

The abrasive nature rubbed off a bit on me. I was being sarcastic myself. Bordering on the rude and seemingly being mean. Exactly what he was and what he was denying. 

It was brought up again. The new person. It became clearer. Details revealed. And then I said my piece. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I wish I was told beforehand so I wouldn't have made so much of an effort to reach out anymore than I did. 

Was it such a waste of time, I reckon? It was said that I should know him and he's not serious. But somebody else is and that was exactly what made me feel disappointed. Not because I was pushing for something between us, but there were certain 'feels' that were felt. Not on my account. Not anymore. He thought it was funny to tease and call me a home wrecker. I took that one hard. But I know I'm a good person...so again, I just took it all in.

I am not going to make any more effort than I have for this whatever. I seriously wish him well. And I sincerely hope he finds what he intends to seek. I tried. And it just made me sad. I wouldn't be surprised if one day I shall be unfriended yet again. Because maybe, we were never even...no I don't think we were...

Decompression Obsession...

I dunno what to make of it. I found out a few details. A little shocked,but I thought I needed it. Somehow I understand now. Just a few more and I am done. 

The Yoke of it All...

I hate that I still am kicking and beating myself for what was... It's such a heavy load that I just wanna get rid of. But it won't get away.

Why do I keep coming back? As if I didn't get hurt enough. 

Unfriend Zoned...

I am in disbelief. The maturity levels!!! For the first time in the gazillion years of my existence, after being turned down for a couple of times, I was digitally erased from his memory.

Sad day indeed...but what can the poor me do but just accept.

I miss him everyday that much I can say. But I know the feeling will never be mutual...but I never knew and never prepared myself for this.

He never considered me a friend. I meant nothing. And that's the most hurtful thing that could ever happen to anyone. No, I'm not a drama queen. I'm not a sensitive prick. OA. 

I am a human being...I get hurt. Because I treated this person like a friend. Willing to do anything for, this despite the fact that I hardly knew him. 

I wish him well though. I really dunno what's goin on in his head. All I know now is just that our paths once crossed and we walked together but we have to go our separate ways.  Thank you. You made me happy even for a brief time...

Closing Time...

I would like to think I made all the effort to reach out ...lunch was no good, dinner's for wimps...not interested in a night cap, ice cream nor 5 minutes...

It was heartbreaking. For the first time- I was close to begging. I am completely baffled. I seemed a lil crazy. Maybe that's why it was deemed getting ugly. 

It was a sad day. 

Never have I felt this way. I knew he was being nice and so the ultimate NO to my invitations never came in its simple form. It had to take another shape. It took a play of other words. But it still felt horrible. 

I dunno why even feel this way. Why would I feel bad? Is he now that important to me? Maybe... and I couldn't get myself to admit it to myself either. I keep thinking and justifying that it's just prolly ego...but I hurt. It really does. 

No matter how I've tried to condition myself with the fact that this is just temporary and he's leaving anyway, I still end up wanting to be together. Not necessarily a relationship-- a friendship could've been nice.  But now--- I'm left with nothing.

The moment he asked to stop messaging him before he figured a reason for us to meet, I knew it was a done deal. It was over. And even though I received a three worded message from  him today, the warmth was gone. It was so cold I got teary eyed. 

I need to understand that it has reached the saturation point. It's time...and as much as I don't want to say it's the end- it maybe is...

XO

It's one of those nights...those times when you find yourself thinking ...about the situation you're in...about the person you're missing. 

I know I shouldn't. It seems futile. I wanted to reach out. What's keeping me? 

It's kinna crazy. I'm watching soccer but it's like I'm watching a really sad movie. My team is not doing so bad but I am. 

I have work later. Double shifts. I had a long day earlier. More than a double shift it seemed. But I hate that I still have the energy to think. I thought that being busy today would keep my mind off things. Obviously I was wrong. 

I wanted to keep on driving earlier. But the body is tired even if the mind isn't. 

I shouldn't put so much into this. I know he hasn't. Well at least, I feel he doesn't. I guess that's what's eating me. Maybe I knew this was going to happen. I knew it was going to be temporary. But as much as I tried to prepare myself, I guess nothing can really cushion the pain. That too much drama? Well, it's not like I don't have feelings. 

The universe has reunited me with two assholes already. And then takes away someone I thought would be welcome reprieve. I was not expecting that he'd stay forever. But I really never thought that it would be this quick and would turn out this way.

My eyes are hurting really bad. But so does my heart. I'm so tired...

Misplaced Anger...

Backing off because I don't want any misplaced anger to take shape...

Seen Zoned

Chapters, phases... detours! 

I dunno what to make out of these things. The universe has this way of coming up with ways to make you smile and cry at the same time. Weird. I can hear someone say to me- 'You're weird!'...

Perhaps.

Wish I was given the chance to at least say thank you or tell the person how the littlest thing made me smile inside. But I guess not.

I told myself I'm going to slow down on the caring part. Fuck, I care too much, and I just hate it...It's become difficult. I wanna hit my head on the wall now. 

But funny how things work themselves out. It just gets confusing. And yes, I am just a wee bit impatient for things to unravel themselves. Maybe that's why I appreciate spoilers. 

I've got some what ifs here. But yeah, I need to back off now, I'm guessing. It gets really depressing and it doesn't help that I've got other issues to deal with, besides.

Obviously I'm not that adventurous. But there are certain things that are worth taking chances on. I envy people who can just do what they please...like make a decision at a drop of a hat. Because prolly, they've seen it all...nothing to lose or maybe just thinking that everything's to gain...

Wow, I've been dumping a lot of emotions lately, eh... Only because I thought I am up for this, but I'm actually having it pretty challenging. I needed to cope.

So what's next? I have no idea. Excuse me, I think I caught something in my eye...

It's a little too sunny in Phili...

Not one of them bright cheery Sundays one looks forward to every time. Mine started sucking. But at least there was a football match that made it a wee bit better. Otherwise, it would've just totally tanked!

I got driving as a therapy to most 'feel bad, feel sad' situations. Believe me, I'm no drama queen so I'd rather just literally drive my emotions away.  I don't really wanna be around people too. My mistake was I tried to connect to one and as expected, I felt even worse. I know this person was quite clueless as to what was done and what was happening. I will never blame this being for being himself.  

Anyway, after all the driving and trying to recount the steps from what I did last Saturday, I found myself in Chinatown for a bit then, drove again...around the bay area. Then around the valley...I was burning quite a few liters, not to mention my treads. I was just totally sad, I guess. I was actually screaming my heart out inside the car. Cray-zy...but it kinna helped me cope. Cuz I was just totally pissed and out of it. 

There was a bit of retrospecting that happened whilst sitting in the dark corner of that coffee shop in that hilly part of the metro. It wasn't good. I mean the idea of retrospecting was good, but what came out was just even more depressing if I may say so...

Here we go again with that cycle of being not good enough. It's a tough one to deal with. Why am I always faced with situations with people who would make me feel so inadequate, under qualified...and yeah, plain not good enough...bruh!

I am not hating. I just prolly need to slow down on the caring part...Certainly cannot expect everyone to be appreciative...

Dazed and Confused...

So if there's anything I learned from the more recent heartbreaks, well I have to accept that everything's temporary. And may never even be real... Yup. Such is life. I'm just trying to enjoy the ride. 

Doesn't really take much to make me happy. Little things make me smile. I appreciate the time people give me and I have no qualms in giving much of my time. Sometimes, too much of mine that I tend to not have so much for myself. But hey, my time spent with people I like to spend it with would always be the best. 

I am trying my best to not expect from people too much though. I give people too much credit. I think that's what I should work on. Nothing wrong with being the most understanding person in the planet, right? But little do you realize that in being the most understanding being means allowing people to just do what they please and for your part--not knowing that you're already getting disappointed and even worse, heartbroken. I think they should know if they're really clueless about it. But how? I am certainly not the type who would call out people for their callousness.  Again, maybe- my mistake here is that I am so polite that I'd find myself just being calm about it and just walking away. Well, sometimes, I don't even walk away when I should've. I just let it slide. And then, it eats me up later. 

I admit that I should've been more expressive of my disappointments. Especially to people who hardly know me. But I don't know them well enough either so I should just let go of this idea of them being a little sensitive and grateful for the time I spend on them. I am happy to oblige anyway.  My friends would think I waste my time too much on these things. Petty. Juvenile. 

However, I feel that life is too short to miss out on the possibilities. Spontaneity has its perks and when I come to think about it, most of my disappointments come from plans that didn't push through. 

Maybe I should just stop caring too much. 

Emotion Dumpster it is...

So I end up reading a new-found friend's blog and I realize how much of an emotional dumpster of a blog mine is...hahaha.

I could indulge one with my elaborate excuse for such but why would I even do that?

Lately, it's been a roller coaster of a ride yet again...But as I move along, I guess I am able to find other things to make me enjoy the ride. Or maybe take my mind off the other things that make me feel sad...

It's baffling sometimes though,as I admittedly still snap back to sulking about certain events and er, people...but thankfully, the universe has its way of making it up to me. Like meeting new people who are turning out to be great folks...even spending time with colleagues who I never thought in a million years would turn out to be really sensible and genuine beings.

The goal now is to get better... hopefully, I won't get sick anymore in trying to do so. My health issues always tend to get in the way. I dunno why but perhaps it's psychosomatic. Jeeze.

Oh well...more happy thoughts please!!!

The Fly By...

So the silence was broken. If only for a brief exchange of messages...everything just came rushing back. The emotions- sadness, longing, disappointment, missing... So many questions that I just didn't bother to ask. I thought I shouldn't ruin the moment. 

I lost him. I had the feeling. And it took awhile for me to finally accept it. More sadness, more disappointment, more missing..and yes, more longing. 

But ultimately, it's for the best. And as I struggled to compose a final message to question and apologize at the same time- I got my validation.  That it was indeed over and I could now try to pick up the pieces and charge everything to experience. 

They say experience is always the best teacher. But of course, it doesn't guarantee that it would be pain-free... When you come to think of it, yes- it's full of hurtful things. 

I sometimes have a feeling that he's reading this. Or someone close to him, had.  

And if I had a chance to speak to you and tell you something, it will be just to thank you. Life wouldn't be as interesting and as colorful if you didn't come to my life...it was beautiful- whatever I thought I had with you. 

My friend was right in saying that you'd leave a scar. That you'd hurt me emotionally and psychologically because you have a knack of hurting people and not care about it if it means saving yourself from trouble.

I forgive you...and I'm going to try my very best to forget you. 

The Unforgotten...

A friend told me to stay away from you. You are bound to hurt me psychologically, and more so emotionally. And you won't even be sorry for a bit if it would save you from all the trouble. 

I wished it ended differently. The kind that would have two people talk and part ways amicably. What do you exactly take me for?  I must've assumed we were the real deal friends. You could have told me I was wrong.  Instead you disappeared and too coward to even say fuck off to me.

Please don't forget that you've hurt me. I have forgiven you though. But as it turns out, you now feel that this is the best way to go. How mature and how cowardly.  You're hurting me yet again. 

Dealing with the Cards...

Another whirlwind week just flew by. Had an awesome weekend spent with fam and friends and some cars. 

Soccer boy left for his home country. Three dots was his usual inconsistent self while the other a-hole just pissed me off during the last phone convo we had. I have to say, this week was more enlightening for me more than ever. I am proud to add that yes, I'm well on my way to fully ridding myself of these completely-waste-of-time-blokes.

I am trying to think if I came off as that desperate to even spend time and effort with these people... My friends are always right and I am always giving so much benefit. Well, it has to end somehow... I am quite grateful though that it wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be when I decide to just give up and throw in the towels. 

My recent conversation with the a-hole got me irritated with his insinuations about three dots and why I am still keeping ties with him... Of course at some point, you will get pissed. Not because I was guilty but more so because he doesn't even know half the story.

Three dots also lost his appeal when he would ask me for a huge favor and end up changing his mind in the middle of it all and yes, I was caught in the middle of it all... Stupid!!! I hate being used. And it hurts even more that I actually allowed myself to get used. 

So that should be the end. 

Soccer boy is also inconsistent but I never expected much from him anyway. So it doesn't really matter.

A-hole still tops the list. I know he only reconnected because he needs my help. I may be helpful, but I'm not stupid. And I have been warned. 

And over the weekend, a friend read my tarot cards. If I get blinded by what I see, I may suffer the consequence of losing everything. I am afraid all of a sudden as this could be anything and anyone.

My responsibility is far greater than ever. I am the designated caretaker of the family's properties. And so I have to be a little more than cautious. Of people and their intentions. 

At the end of the day, people have vested interests that need to be met somehow. And maybe at other people's expense.

I may have the power to change my cards. I am my own captain, but I cannot change the character of the people that lurk around me. So I suppose that's enough reason for me to let go of these freaks.  

The cards may have something else to say next...

Happy Birthday to me...

It's my birth month! I officially turn a year older 10 days into the new year. Still not fully recovered from the holidays, I am forced into more celebrating and yep, pretty much to some more spending.

As always though, I never really make such a big fuss about it. Nothing grandiose. Just a simple lunch then a simple dinner and a meet up. Whoa? A meet up? Suffice to say, it was pretty low key but nonetheless wonderful. Much like who I am. Hehehe...

My friends from Honda Cars lent me a birthday ride with the CRV Cruiser Edition. Which of course would prompt a road trip for the

weekend. 

And so Tagaytay it was. I can't believe how many times I've been there, but it's like a gift that keeps on giving. Got the chance to eat at Gourmet Farms' The Dining Room which was actually pretty good. I also got to go to the Pink Sisters Chapel which I never been to even after the many times I've been in the area. 

The most fun about the trip was I got to be with my closest friends. Friends who I had been keeping for a couple of decades now. I'm very grateful.

The night before the road trip, I met a friend. I was getting frustrated at first for being made to wait and spend the last couple of hours of my birthday waiting in the car and driving in circles. But in the end, it turned out well. And we've been pseudo friends since then..."Pseudo" shall be explained later...LOL.

Anyway, I got flooded with so many greets. And one particular text that I was hoping not to get, got through. It didn't make such an impact though, which was surprising. Although there was a lot of missing involved in that.

Sometimes I wish it never got through if only to feel that empty yet again. I'd be weird to say I wish it never got through so that I would feel more important that way-- more afterthought was given to not doing something as opposed to something perfunctory.

Post scripting all things birthday-- I got a call a couple of days after.  This person waited for my reply apparently. For my acknowledgment. Which I honestly and deliberately delayed because I was thinking of something witty to say or at least something with more 'afterthought' ... I know, I'm weird like that.

The other person which I had no high hopes for completely skipped any greetings which I later found out didn't really know when it was. Well understandably, this person never bothered to ask and most prolly wasn't paying attention to what we and everybody else have been saying about my birthday. Exactly two weeks after, this person greets me and asks for a treat. Pfffft...

All in all, 2014 with all the crazy twists and turns turned out to be a pretty good one for me and pretty much empowering. This year looks pretty promising although, I had a slow start and I'm still stretching my legs.  

Anyway, I have so much things to do. So many things left to accomplish. Here's to more of the good things--all the best I say... thinking about it, I'm so stoked...Finally!