XO

It's one of those nights...those times when you find yourself thinking ...about the situation you're in...about the person you're missing. 

I know I shouldn't. It seems futile. I wanted to reach out. What's keeping me? 

It's kinna crazy. I'm watching soccer but it's like I'm watching a really sad movie. My team is not doing so bad but I am. 

I have work later. Double shifts. I had a long day earlier. More than a double shift it seemed. But I hate that I still have the energy to think. I thought that being busy today would keep my mind off things. Obviously I was wrong. 

I wanted to keep on driving earlier. But the body is tired even if the mind isn't. 

I shouldn't put so much into this. I know he hasn't. Well at least, I feel he doesn't. I guess that's what's eating me. Maybe I knew this was going to happen. I knew it was going to be temporary. But as much as I tried to prepare myself, I guess nothing can really cushion the pain. That too much drama? Well, it's not like I don't have feelings. 

The universe has reunited me with two assholes already. And then takes away someone I thought would be welcome reprieve. I was not expecting that he'd stay forever. But I really never thought that it would be this quick and would turn out this way.

My eyes are hurting really bad. But so does my heart. I'm so tired...

Misplaced Anger...

Backing off because I don't want any misplaced anger to take shape...

Seen Zoned

Chapters, phases... detours! 

I dunno what to make out of these things. The universe has this way of coming up with ways to make you smile and cry at the same time. Weird. I can hear someone say to me- 'You're weird!'...

Perhaps.

Wish I was given the chance to at least say thank you or tell the person how the littlest thing made me smile inside. But I guess not.

I told myself I'm going to slow down on the caring part. Fuck, I care too much, and I just hate it...It's become difficult. I wanna hit my head on the wall now. 

But funny how things work themselves out. It just gets confusing. And yes, I am just a wee bit impatient for things to unravel themselves. Maybe that's why I appreciate spoilers. 

I've got some what ifs here. But yeah, I need to back off now, I'm guessing. It gets really depressing and it doesn't help that I've got other issues to deal with, besides.

Obviously I'm not that adventurous. But there are certain things that are worth taking chances on. I envy people who can just do what they please...like make a decision at a drop of a hat. Because prolly, they've seen it all...nothing to lose or maybe just thinking that everything's to gain...

Wow, I've been dumping a lot of emotions lately, eh... Only because I thought I am up for this, but I'm actually having it pretty challenging. I needed to cope.

So what's next? I have no idea. Excuse me, I think I caught something in my eye...

It's a little too sunny in Phili...

Not one of them bright cheery Sundays one looks forward to every time. Mine started sucking. But at least there was a football match that made it a wee bit better. Otherwise, it would've just totally tanked!

I got driving as a therapy to most 'feel bad, feel sad' situations. Believe me, I'm no drama queen so I'd rather just literally drive my emotions away.  I don't really wanna be around people too. My mistake was I tried to connect to one and as expected, I felt even worse. I know this person was quite clueless as to what was done and what was happening. I will never blame this being for being himself.  

Anyway, after all the driving and trying to recount the steps from what I did last Saturday, I found myself in Chinatown for a bit then, drove again...around the bay area. Then around the valley...I was burning quite a few liters, not to mention my treads. I was just totally sad, I guess. I was actually screaming my heart out inside the car. Cray-zy...but it kinna helped me cope. Cuz I was just totally pissed and out of it. 

There was a bit of retrospecting that happened whilst sitting in the dark corner of that coffee shop in that hilly part of the metro. It wasn't good. I mean the idea of retrospecting was good, but what came out was just even more depressing if I may say so...

Here we go again with that cycle of being not good enough. It's a tough one to deal with. Why am I always faced with situations with people who would make me feel so inadequate, under qualified...and yeah, plain not good enough...bruh!

I am not hating. I just prolly need to slow down on the caring part...Certainly cannot expect everyone to be appreciative...

Dazed and Confused...

So if there's anything I learned from the more recent heartbreaks, well I have to accept that everything's temporary. And may never even be real... Yup. Such is life. I'm just trying to enjoy the ride. 

Doesn't really take much to make me happy. Little things make me smile. I appreciate the time people give me and I have no qualms in giving much of my time. Sometimes, too much of mine that I tend to not have so much for myself. But hey, my time spent with people I like to spend it with would always be the best. 

I am trying my best to not expect from people too much though. I give people too much credit. I think that's what I should work on. Nothing wrong with being the most understanding person in the planet, right? But little do you realize that in being the most understanding being means allowing people to just do what they please and for your part--not knowing that you're already getting disappointed and even worse, heartbroken. I think they should know if they're really clueless about it. But how? I am certainly not the type who would call out people for their callousness.  Again, maybe- my mistake here is that I am so polite that I'd find myself just being calm about it and just walking away. Well, sometimes, I don't even walk away when I should've. I just let it slide. And then, it eats me up later. 

I admit that I should've been more expressive of my disappointments. Especially to people who hardly know me. But I don't know them well enough either so I should just let go of this idea of them being a little sensitive and grateful for the time I spend on them. I am happy to oblige anyway.  My friends would think I waste my time too much on these things. Petty. Juvenile. 

However, I feel that life is too short to miss out on the possibilities. Spontaneity has its perks and when I come to think about it, most of my disappointments come from plans that didn't push through. 

Maybe I should just stop caring too much. 

Emotion Dumpster it is...

So I end up reading a new-found friend's blog and I realize how much of an emotional dumpster of a blog mine is...hahaha.

I could indulge one with my elaborate excuse for such but why would I even do that?

Lately, it's been a roller coaster of a ride yet again...But as I move along, I guess I am able to find other things to make me enjoy the ride. Or maybe take my mind off the other things that make me feel sad...

It's baffling sometimes though,as I admittedly still snap back to sulking about certain events and er, people...but thankfully, the universe has its way of making it up to me. Like meeting new people who are turning out to be great folks...even spending time with colleagues who I never thought in a million years would turn out to be really sensible and genuine beings.

The goal now is to get better... hopefully, I won't get sick anymore in trying to do so. My health issues always tend to get in the way. I dunno why but perhaps it's psychosomatic. Jeeze.

Oh well...more happy thoughts please!!!

The Fly By...

So the silence was broken. If only for a brief exchange of messages...everything just came rushing back. The emotions- sadness, longing, disappointment, missing... So many questions that I just didn't bother to ask. I thought I shouldn't ruin the moment. 

I lost him. I had the feeling. And it took awhile for me to finally accept it. More sadness, more disappointment, more missing..and yes, more longing. 

But ultimately, it's for the best. And as I struggled to compose a final message to question and apologize at the same time- I got my validation.  That it was indeed over and I could now try to pick up the pieces and charge everything to experience. 

They say experience is always the best teacher. But of course, it doesn't guarantee that it would be pain-free... When you come to think of it, yes- it's full of hurtful things. 

I sometimes have a feeling that he's reading this. Or someone close to him, had.  

And if I had a chance to speak to you and tell you something, it will be just to thank you. Life wouldn't be as interesting and as colorful if you didn't come to my life...it was beautiful- whatever I thought I had with you. 

My friend was right in saying that you'd leave a scar. That you'd hurt me emotionally and psychologically because you have a knack of hurting people and not care about it if it means saving yourself from trouble.

I forgive you...and I'm going to try my very best to forget you.