Don't get me wrong, I am not being too hard on myself for trying to look a certain way just to be accepted, yada yada...I am just truly and genuinely concerned about my health. I've come a long way since the time I was diagnosed with an irreversible condition that would have rendered me blind in no time. Yes, BLIND. For somebody as visually driven as me, oh my goodness, that was truly devastating to know.
My closest friends doubt my intentions and tell me that I am overreacting to my situation...That I am actually just doing all of these transformations for someone and not for me. To be perfectly honest, yes I am doing it for some other people not just for myself. My family for instance. I think I owe them enough to be healthy and strong so I can still help provide them the better quality of life that we all deserve. My friends, because I still want to experience life even in all its complexities. My peers and colleagues-- because my passion for our craft will also affect and satisfy my satiety for excellence in this business.
I find it weird and sad at the same time that the people you expect to know you better doubt you more than people who just met you the first time. But maybe that's just the universe creating an opportunity for me to prove them wrong. Or maybe they just simply don't know me well enough and that the years may have not been enough for them to see the real me. I don't want to entertain the thought that they never really paid attention to the real me because they were so busy with other things. But I do understand that it's partly my fault that I kept some aspects of my life from some of my friends. I don't really like talking about myself and what I am going through. I don't just dump my feelings no matter how heavy a baggage they have become. I spare people the frustration and the responsibility to say something that can make me feel better. If my friends get together, they can probably talk about me in bits and pieces before they get to put together who I really am and what my daily battles are.
I understand that there are people who likes talking about themselves and unloading their emotions, well I am a willing ear. I would want to listen and maybe share my thoughts or maybe not say anything back. My silence doesn't mean that I didn't understand nor did I just make some passing judgments in my head. It's just me learning and processing the matter for future references either for my own benefit or for the people concerned.
Some would probably mistake me for being shallow and in extreme cases probably think I'm dumb for not being able to utter fancy shmancy attacks or rebuttals to some personal issues. I suppose I adhere more to the concept of less talk, less mistakes. The chances of being misunderstood would just be greater if I would be keeping my sentences long and flowery. I could if I tried to, but I don't want to. For me life is complicated enough to add to the mix.
Never mind if people think of me otherwise. The most important thing that we need to know is to know who we are and what we want. In the meantime, the battle wages on. The clear intention is to create a better version of ourselves in the days to come because after all, even if the it wages on, we still get to choose them battles, right?